Category Archives: Family

3 years WOW

Day 7 of blogging challenge is a look back post.

Three years ago, my heart that was barely holding together from years of hurts, was shattered into pieces. My dream marriage had turned into a year of some amazing times, some not-so-amazing times, to living a full-blown traumatic nightmare.

As the weather and seasons change, I have a physical injury that remind me of the last major waking nightmare. Sometimes when you have an injury it never heals all the way or scars so deep that it is sometimes irritated by the atmosphere or actions it is used in. 

My elbow still gives me fits when the weather changes or I use it too much. My elbow was injured when the man I was about to go do ministry with rung it out like a dishrag. We were packing to go do ministry and ended up in a knock-down drag-out, leaving the dreams and hopes I had of help for us shattered into pieces. It wasn’t the first time for physical abuse; however, it would be the last! It went too far and got too dangerous. The sad thing is I told many women don’t ever let them hurt you twice. Get the hell out! Literally get out of that kind of hell. Did I do this? No! I stayed for a year. The marriage was great when it was great. It was hostile and violent when it wasn’t great. There was no arguing without explosive anger. This created a constant state of fear and hard to breathe or know when to approach things which left me in a constant state of feeling like I had to hold my breath. This alone traumatizes a person and leaves physical, mental and emotional scars. Especially when you loved someone so deep you didn’t know where they ended and you began. 

Just like the elbow injury, there are deep scars that can be triggered by an anniversary date, a memory, a smell, a thought, someone else reminding you of a person or even someone else’s traumatic event, or the good mixed into those years or seasons that you terribly miss. 

Don’t get me wrong I made mistakes in this marriage where I caused some of my own scars; regrets from some of my own actions and reactions, to things said and done. I have had to heal and forgive myself as well as that person and others involved in that time in our lives. 

I know some people don’t understand why I share these things but you SEE… I refuse to allow the hell the enemy tried to destroy me with not be used for Gods glory!  

You say where is the glory in this??

Right here! I survived after my heart was totally destroyed beyond human repair. BUT God is in the Mending business. 

I survived yet another one of my decisions that caused me harm! It’s now made me make life-altering decisions with more prayer and caution. Sometimes I just don’t make them at all and God and I are working on that lol.

I survived domestic violence in a Christian (Ministry) home! I didn’t give up on God when I wanted to give up on Him and me! 

I’m forgiving myself as a person, who is human. I made mistakes as a wife, a friend, a daughter, and as a mom in my life. BUT I am learning I did way more right than wrong. The Devil likes you to keep that scale tipped to the wrong self-hate side. I am learning to forgive others by one second and one memory at a time! It’s not easy to forgive. It’s easy to say the words but the real action is only done with GODS GRACE AND FORGIVENESS. 

There are days I don’t recognize my own self. Some from the extreme grief and hurt that’s stirred up anger in me and reactions I will say were not God. BUT there are days I say who is that girl with boundaries and a boldness to not allow toxic people into my life!!! 

I have been able to help others walking through things that I have survived!

I have been able to be on my own with Jesus. Not co-dependent anymore!  

I spend more time alone than ever in my life before. I used to not be able to handle silence or being alone in my life. (Somedays I still don’t lol. But I am an extrovert). But there were years I couldn’t function without being around people. 

I used to be so codependent on others in my life that I had no idea who I was! 

Guess what… I am Cassie Gilman.

I am a mom and not as bad of a mom as I told myself I was for many, many years!  

I love small towns and back roads.

I love traveling to big cities and drinking coffee at coffee shops, but I am and will always be a country cowgirl at heart and roots.

I love my style of clothing and don’t care what others think about it.

I love my fire pits.

I love grilling outdoors.

I love fishing because I enjoy it AND NOT to impress a man lol!

I love certain ministers and authors and don’t giving a flying rip what others think. I’ll continue to walk the walk I need for Cassie to thrive. 

I love to travel and I am not afraid to do so alone. (I struggled some with this for about a year since I moved back here).

There is so much that I USED to adjust for others and their needs and opinions.

I no longer volunteer so much of me that my kids and grand-kids don’t even know who I am or what I look like or heck didn’t even know myself lol. 

So this is why I know that I have changed for the better. 

Even though I am still overcoming many heart issues and behaviors, I am stronger than ever. 

I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be!

I AM OKAY BECAUSE I AM ON MY WAY!!

Dream Catcher 3:20

Cassie Gilman

Starting over daily

I am sitting on my front porch this morning watching the amazing creation of my Papa God come to life. Each morning the sun rises and a new day starts over. I was thinking about how we get that same opportunity each day as well. For that matter we get that with each breath we take in and breathe out.

See my Papa God gives us forgiveness that happened already on the cross. All we have to do is accept it. So when we recognize we just messed up and sinned against Him, we take a breath in and breathe out that past mistake. Then we walk right back into the knowing of being His child and being forgiven. I do not know about you but I have to be reminded of this all the time.

I am in a place in my life where I am trying to find my place again. Ultimately my place is with HIM, as His daughter and servant. However, finding my place in the community, in friends, in my purpose, in a role as a mom and grandmother is not always easy. But I get to start each day over as I discover what is not my place and what is.

See for several years my place was a codependent person, always doing for others so I would never lose them in my life. Doing for others is a good thing unless the reasoning behind it is not healthy. As time and hurts have went by, I have broken that cycle. Breaking this cycle left me at a place of discovering what is healthy and where my place is in life. So each day I start over with what I have learned and where I am at in this area. I have to let go of those years I was not aware of my sins and addictions. This is not easy when I still see the residual effects left on others lives from my past. This is when I have to trust my Papa is their Papa and He will heal what I broke.

I also spent at least 6 years in ministry, traveling almost every weekend with others. A life I felt so apart of, and loved. When my marriage fell apart I also lost that part of my life. I was a little wore out with it when I first came back to Oklahoma so a rest was great. As time has gone on, I have started missing that life. So here I am now trying to figure out where I belong in this part of my world. I am starting over each day with new opportunities and I just need to open my eyes and recognize them.

The last two years I have been finding myself again. Somedays I do not like the self I have found, other days I feel so strong. I have compromised somethings trying to fit in, trying to numb my pain and empty feelings. BUT each day I see that my Papa says it is a new day so you get to start over. Some of those days I end up repeating a past day, but each day I make the right choices I know He says way to go baby girl. The days I do not start over the right way, He says you will get it tomorrow, just DO NOT QUIT BABY GIRL!!!

SO WHATEVER YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH I AM HERE TO TELL YOU

YOU GET TO START OVER! RIGHT NOW!

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT STOP STARTING OVER AND WALKING IN HIS NEWNESS EACH SECOND, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR AND EACH DAY!!!!

Dreamcatcher 3:20

Eph 3:20

Dream wild dreams

Live wild lives for Him

Cassie Gilman

Are you Asking?

Well somehow I managed to skip a day on my 31 day challenge.  I guess that is okay since I started in the challenge a few days late anyway.  I will circle back around and catch the other words and journey on lol.

I am really enjoying having a prompt to get me back into blogging on a steady basis.  I am not a professional writer or English major so this is not always easy for me.  So yesterdays word which is now going to be our today’s word is ASK!

ask
ask/
verb
  1. 1.
    say something in order to obtain an answer or some information.
    “he asked if she wanted coffee”
    synonyms: inquire, query, want to know; More
  2. 2.
    request (someone) to do or give something.
    “Mary asked her father for money”
    synonyms: request, demand; More

    Copied from https://www.dictionary.com/browse/ask

    Ask is one of the most powerful 3 letter words we have been given by our Papa God.  Most of us walk around acting like we serve a God who we cant ask for anything.  Maybe some are walking around with a Doris Day attitude singing Casara Sara Oh whatever will be will be.  I will just go on through life and take it as it comes and hope God knows what I am really wanting and waves a magic wand one day and gives it to me.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azxoVRTwlNg

    OH BUT MY PAPA GOD SAID JUST ASK!

    Matthew 7:7-11

    “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. “Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Asking

    What is it you want out of life?  What are your deepest secret desires in life?  If they line up with the word and are not something that is going to take you away from God then they will take you closer to God.  Just Ask Him and Watch Him do above and beyond your wildest dreams and imaginations.

    Ephesians 3:20-21 The Message (MSG)

    20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+3%3A20-21&version=MSG

    Oh but wait my darlings!!!  There is a key here to unlock this power!

    Matthew 21:22

    “And all things you ask in prayer,BELIEVING, you will receive.”
    You ask believing that this is your God given power to receive ALL HE HAS FOR YOU!
    Now if you take this gift of power He has given you and add the most powerful name ever spoken to it KABOOM, LOOK OUT!
    John 14:13-14“Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son

    What are you asking for today?  I believe with you that you will receive!

    Dream Catcher 3:20

    Cassie Gilman

Praise

Oh I love the word for today’s challenge.  PRAISE

praise
prāz/
verb
  1. 1.
    express warm approval or admiration of.
    “we can’t praise Chris enough—he did a brilliant job”
    synonyms: commend, express admiration for, applaud, pay tribute to, speak highly of, eulogize, compliment, congratulate, sing the praises of, rave about, go into raptures about, heap praise on, wax lyrical about, make much of, pat on the back, take one’s hat off to, lionize, admire, hail, ballyhoo;

    formallaud
    “the police praised Pauline for her courage in confronting the thieves”
noun
  1. 1.
    the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something.
    “the audience was full of praise for the whole production”
    synonyms: approval, acclaim, admiration, approbation, acclamation, plaudits, congratulations,

    I am a words of affirmation girl.  I love to encourage others and tell them great things about themselves.  I believe in speaking life into others and about others.  I fall short in this area more than I like to admit.  I also love to receive words of affirmation or we could say PRAISE.  Not in a “I am holy or important” kind of way so worship me… But just a word to let me know I am on the right course in others lives or the work I am doing.

    On my fridge I have a card that my kids sent me a few years ago.  This card has words such as “mom I am really proud of you”, “mom you never give up on your dreams and you inspire me”.  This card means the world to me.  Those words spoken years ago on paper still live and have power today.  This got me to thinking about how much and how often do I Praise God?

     

    Psalm 100:4 King James Version (KJV)

    4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

    I am going to start making sure throughout my day that I am sending my Father God some Praise!  Hey God I am proud you are my Father!  God that flower is amazing, thank you for letting me see it today…

    I was talking to a friend who said you know when we are Praising God and worshiping Him, it is like we are just hanging out with Him.  God hears our praise and He says oh wow I am going to just going to sit down right here with my child and hang out.

    God gave us a free will and so when we use it to sing His Praises and worship Him as our God it pleases Him to the fullest.

    So today I praise God for this opportunity to share my thoughts on Praise.

Wisdom and Knowledge are God’s to Give

WOW I can not believe it is March of 2018 already.  I have been back in Oklahoma for a year this month.

I have learned a lot about myself in a year. Wisdom and Knowledge are God’s to Give and boy has He given it!

I have learned that it was okay to forgive myself for shortcomings as a mom, daughter, wife, and as God’s kid.  This is something I have to remind myself of often but such a freeing place to be.

I learned that my inability to SEE GODS LOVE for me aborted the ability to truly LOVE others the way God designed.

I have learned that nothing here on this earth really matters outside of God’s LOVE and the people He gave us to love.  The things that we make into a big deal in relationships are nothing compared to loving each other right here in the moment.

I have learned that once you speak words into existence you can never take them back.  God says life and death are in the tongue.  God also tells us I set before you life and death, NOW CHOOSE LIFE!

I have learned that I cared way too much what others think.  I allowed my circle to be way too wide and listened to voices that may have had good intentions but bottom line they are not God.

I have learned that each thought, each circumstances I find myself in God has faced it through His Son!  He gives me strength, mercy and grace to face it as well.

I learned that all I have to do is ask God!  One day recently He said to me; You have never asked me what I think and what I have to say about this.  It was an area that I had many thoughts on, others had many thoughts on but GOD HAD A WORD ON!  God’s word always trumps!

I learned that I in myself am not capable of any of this!!!  I am not capable of surviving life, loving myself, loving others or even loving God.

I learned that I can love beyond hurt, pain, and disappointment in myself and others.  How can a person do this?  God!  The word says GOD is LOVE! I am in God and He is in me so therefore I can love and I am LOVE.

I learned that I do not have to be angry to protect myself from being vulnerable.  God protects me with His loving arms.

I learned that I can love so much more than I thought possible even if it is never returned by human love.  God fills up what He gives me to pour out so I am never bankrupt!

I am sure there is much more that I have learned but these are the most significant areas in my life.

I wished I could take the knowledge I have learned this year and go back in time to some significant places, before specific people and have a redo.  I can not do this but what I can do is live in the now and love in the now!  I can say I am sorry and love beyond the past!

Dream Catcher 3:20

Cassie Nations