Courage There are so many situations in our lives that take courage. I think one of the most courageous moments in my life was leaving the man I loved more than life itself. I married in 2016 and shortly after our wedding it became apparent that we had a toxic relationship situation. The very first heated argument we had became physical real fast. I have to say that I loved him and I believe he loved me. I believe people love out of their own hurts and what they know. I however didn’t love myself enough to see that love wasn’t enough. I stayed and did this crazy cycle we had going on for 11 months. A month before our anniversary things escalated beyond anything I could imagine. I then realized that this was not only destroying me, but him and his ministry. Yes I said ministry. It takes a lot of courage to tell this story but I know God wants it told. So many behind church doors need the courage to make a change and get help. So I am sharing my story. So one month from our anniversary, I put on my courage and drove away leaving him standing there crying and saying once again how sorry he was. I believe he truly meant that. However he knew he went too far, I knew he went too far. I thought in my heart as I drove to Oklahoma to be with my children, this will be all right. I thought we will get help. I wanted to be somewhere I felt safe and get help for each of us.
Over the weeks and months to come I had to have courage to get out of bed and face the day knowing things were not going to be all right. I started my cleaning business here in Oklahoma as I kept hoping for a miracle. God blessed it so much that I was full time in 3 months. Long story short is, we divorced. He met another woman and life goes on. Now I walk in the courage to hold my head high and know God has great Big plans for CASSIE! I have made some pretty big decisions lately that has taken a lot of courage. If you keep following me here on Instagram or my blog, you will get to read all about them.
““Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because GOD, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.””Deuteronomy 31:6 MSG Dream Catcher 3:20Eph 3:20 Cassie Gilman
Sitting here looking at my memories on Facebook. Wow Gods brought me a long ways since 2017. I had planned a trip down to Texas to see my husband, in hopes of reconciliation of some kind. Then when the hurricane hit and flooded Houston it caused a shortage on fuel down there. I was not able to go. It sent things into another whirlwind of anger and strife. My head was spinning with grief and confusion.
I remember back to this season of my life. Many mornings, nights or maybe even just randomly in the middle of the day, being on my face crying so hard. I was grieving so hard that I didn’t even recognize my own voice or cries. It scared the heck out of me. I thought this grief would never end. There were moments I literally thought I was going to die from it.
Though my marriage was not restored, CASSIE was!
The grief didn’t stay. The tears didn’t stay. Now I still have moments of sadness and tears but nothing like the season I was in 3 years ago.
I have learned to be well ME!!!
I am still finding my way and BECOMING the CASSIE God created me to be.
It’s exciting It can be scary lol but It’s exciting
There are things happening that are great big BRAVE things in my life. I can’t wait to share them as they take place.
But most of all, the fact I didn’t quit is a great big BRAVE in my life.
Whatever your facing today, this time next year will not look the same.
I haven’t looked at the news in awhile. I try to scan past it on Facebook. This morning I checked in to make sure the rest of the world was still out there. I saw madness and darkness.
The world is getting darker by the day if not the hour. His word says it will do that but His Light in us will get brighter.
There is only one way for our light to get brighter and that’s filling up the lamp with the fuel source.
We have got to develop a deeper relationship with Him.
We want to fight the battles, be the light and the salt of the earth, but we skip the process that gives us the ability.
We have been discussing a lot of this as we fellowship together. So it has my heart going strong towards learning what the enemy is truly after and defeating him.
The enemies plan from day one has been to keep us from an intimate relationship with our Father God.
God came down and walked in the garden with Adam and Eve everyday. Then one day the enemy presented a short cut to “be like God.”
That shortcut to skip the fellowship and relationship and just take a bite of fruit.
What are we taking a bite of today? Facebook for a small word from a friend, a few second devotional on the run, a podcast preacher driving down the road to get our fix?
Today take time to fellowship with Him. Create your own garden to bask in His presence. Maybe it’s on your drive to work, on your front porch with coffee or in a hot bath. Talk to Him, listen to Him, worship Him and just sit with Him.
I have been doing podcast for a few years now. I have done more of a radio program style in my past. This podcast has been more of a daily life podcast. I will have guest on whenever I can convince someone to join me lol.
I felt like this was a good one to go with today. I woke up early and wondered what I would find on Facebook when I woke up. What event has been canceled. Will they have us confined to our homes by Monday?
If your reading this years down the road, google Toilet paper shortage 2020 lol.
Seriously though… right now is the time to focus on Jesus. Find positive things to focus on during this time of crisis. I am preaching to myself as well.
The thought of being confined, controlled in anyway shape or form is a fear I have always struggled with. FEAR IS A LIAR.
I believe now is the time we step up as THE CHURCH.
I hope this podcast helps you in someway. I am working on focusing on the positive and speaking to the fear!
I’ll be recording more podcast. Please subscribe to keep updated.
Three years ago, my heart that was barely holding together from years of hurts, was shattered into pieces. My dream marriage had turned into a year of some amazing times, some not-so-amazing times, to living a full-blown traumatic nightmare.
As the weather and seasons change, I have a physical injury that remind me of the last major waking nightmare. Sometimes when you have an injury it never heals all the way or scars so deep that it is sometimes irritated by the atmosphere or actions it is used in.
My elbow still gives me fits when the weather changes or I use it too much. My elbow was injured when the man I was about to go do ministry with rung it out like a dishrag. We were packing to go do ministry and ended up in a knock-down drag-out, leaving the dreams and hopes I had of help for us shattered into pieces. It wasn’t the first time for physical abuse; however, it would be the last! It went too far and got too dangerous. The sad thing is I told many women don’t ever let them hurt you twice. Get the hell out! Literally get out of that kind of hell. Did I do this? No! I stayed for a year. The marriage was great when it was great. It was hostile and violent when it wasn’t great. There was no arguing without explosive anger. This created a constant state of fear and hard to breathe or know when to approach things which left me in a constant state of feeling like I had to hold my breath. This alone traumatizes a person and leaves physical, mental and emotional scars. Especially when you loved someone so deep you didn’t know where they ended and you began.
Just like the elbow injury, there are deep scars that can be triggered by an anniversary date, a memory, a smell, a thought, someone else reminding you of a person or even someone else’s traumatic event, or the good mixed into those years or seasons that you terribly miss.
Don’t get me wrong I made mistakes in this marriage where I caused some of my own scars; regrets from some of my own actions and reactions, to things said and done. I have had to heal and forgive myself as well as that person and others involved in that time in our lives.
I know some people don’t understand why I share these things but you SEE… I refuse to allow the hell the enemy tried to destroy me with not be used for Gods glory!
You say where is the glory in this??
Right here! I survived after my heart was totally destroyed beyond human repair. BUT God is in the Mending business.
I survived yet another one of my decisions that caused me harm! It’s now made me make life-altering decisions with more prayer and caution. Sometimes I just don’t make them at all and God and I are working on that lol.
I survived domestic violence in a Christian (Ministry) home! I didn’t give up on God when I wanted to give up on Him and me!
I’m forgiving myself as a person, who is human. I made mistakes as a wife, a friend, a daughter, and as a mom in my life. BUT I am learning I did way more right than wrong. The Devil likes you to keep that scale tipped to the wrong self-hate side. I am learning to forgive others by one second and one memory at a time! It’s not easy to forgive. It’s easy to say the words but the real action is only done with GODS GRACE AND FORGIVENESS.
There are days I don’t recognize my own self. Some from the extreme grief and hurt that’s stirred up anger in me and reactions I will say were not God. BUT there are days I say who is that girl with boundaries and a boldness to not allow toxic people into my life!!!
I have been able to help others walking through things that I have survived!
I have been able to be on my own with Jesus. Not co-dependent anymore!
I spend more time alone than ever in my life before. I used to not be able to handle silence or being alone in my life. (Somedays I still don’t lol. But I am an extrovert). But there were years I couldn’t function without being around people.
I used to be so codependent on others in my life that I had no idea who I was!
Guess what… I am Cassie Gilman.
I am a mom and not as bad of a mom as I told myself I was for many, many years!
I love small towns and back roads.
I love traveling to big cities and drinking coffee at coffee shops, but I am and will always be a country cowgirl at heart and roots.
I love my style of clothing and don’t care what others think about it.
I love my fire pits.
I love grilling outdoors.
I love fishing because I enjoy it AND NOT to impress a man lol!
I love certain ministers and authors and don’t giving a flying rip what others think. I’ll continue to walk the walk I need for Cassie to thrive.
I love to travel and I am not afraid to do so alone. (I struggled some with this for about a year since I moved back here).
There is so much that I USED to adjust for others and their needs and opinions.
I no longer volunteer so much of me that my kids and grand-kids don’t even know who I am or what I look like or heck didn’t even know myself lol.
So this is why I know that I have changed for the better.
Even though I am still overcoming many heart issues and behaviors, I am stronger than ever.
I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be!
